Thursday, February 2, 2012

Day 19: Expectations of the self... what do I do with it?

My life has changed a lot. In more ways than I could have ever imagined. Growing up in Caracas, Venezuela under the hot sun, never dreamed I would be married with children living in a fridge.! Ha! I love this fridge called Canada where I stand strong and freeze... hhhmmm ... FREE!.

I'd like to think that I am happy and at peace with it, but once in a while the shadow of self expectation comes up for me. Today it's here.

I am a photographer, though not currently pursuing it. I am home with 3 boys, and in between children I have been involved in the artistic world of photography. I really crave the creative outlet of it, but I use the creativity with my family, and on this journey back to optimal health. I am happy with the growth and spiritual path I have taken, and I accept and appreciate that I have changed. So why is it so hard for me to let go of the expectation of being actively pursuing it all? There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to pursue, and be able to be present in the family unit the way that I am now.

I know times passes and the only constant thing is change. But why do we get stuck on expectations that may bring us down?

I don't know.

As I sat in meditation this morning, a few words came to me: embrace the power to change. Perhaps as deeper aspects of ourselves change, old feelings, expectations, desires get stirred up to be seen under different eyes. Perhaps different layers of it get to be dealt with. Perhaps looking deeper within brings me closer with the 'stuff' I have been avoiding. Perhaps its fear of what comes ahead that brings it up again?

Oh 'stuff'! we all got it. It's hard to sit with the 'stuff'.

With every breath and with every juice I get closer to my true self.

I appreciate my life and those in it, I appreciate my blessings and trust in the power of change.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache."
William Shakespeare

Morning: 6 oz of wheatgrass, cucumber, celery, carrot, spinach, lime, coconut water. 40 oz.
Mid morning: Chaga, Burdock root tea with lemon and honey.
Lunch: 2 cups of hot water with Unpasteurized Miso.
Mid Afternoon: Asparagus, salad greens, mint, pineapple. 40 oz.
Dinner: Tangarine Juice. 24 oz.
As I write: cup of hot water with Unpasteurized Miso.

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